Why You Should Stop Trying To Fix Yourself
When I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 25, my life changed overnight. Not because I was suddenly more organised or could concentrate better, but because I stopped beating myself up. I accepted myself, my brain, and the fact that I wasn’t ‘normal’.
Until then, it’d felt like I was a fish swimming against the tide. I tried so hard to fit in, to find a suitable ‘career path’, and to commit to things that weren’t right for me that I was in a cycle of pointless self-sabotage, shame and failure. After every house move, job change, and relationship breakdown, I’d pick myself back up with new resolutions, commitments, and promises, which would be broken repeatedly.
When we start from a place of not being good enough, we’re setting ourselves up for failure. Just like telling off a child for not concentrating in class doesn’t make them focus any better, shaming ourselves won’t make us any happier in the long run.
What will work is accepting yourself as you are. By genuinely reflecting on how your life is today, you can work with yourself to figure out what will make you feel happier - which is generally the root of all attempts to fix ourselves, like New Years Resolutions. When we become really clear on our motivation for the changes we want to make, we can figure out how to make it a lifestyle change, rather than a metaphorical whip.
This involves making it something that you actually want to do. Taking who you already are, what you’re interested in, what your days are like right now, and applying the change you want to have accordingly, will get you there. This involves taking it day by day - applying mini-experiments, instead of expecting an overnight life makeover. There’s a reason you are where you are, and just because it’s a new year, doesn’t mean it’s a new you.
For example, during the winter months, I really struggle to exercise - or even go outside, some days. I’ve tried doing online classes, but I just end up switching the camera off and somehow end up rearranging the entire room I’m in, instead of doing the class. So I’ve signed up to the most ridiculously amazing gym, that I genuinely want to go to every day, because it’s got hot yoga, and a steam room with a gigantic crystal in it. It’s finding the exercise that doesn’t feel like exercise, which works with what I’m missing: being warm.
Instead of beating myself up when I miss a day, I just accept it and agree with myself to go the next day. I find a class I want to go to. If, as is inevitably the case with all ADHD-interests, it becomes ‘normal’ and the missed days turn into missed weeks, I’ll just find another version of fun exercise. I won’t beat myself up for getting bored, but I’ll just search for the next fun thing to try out. So far it’s taken me on a path of trapeze classes, aerial hoop, jiu jitsu, dancing in the dark, silent discos in the morning, and a yoga teacher training course - it’s definitely never boring!
Over the last few months, I’ve been writing a book about social media and body image, which has made it difficult to figure out how to still exist in these virtual worlds I’m writing about, especially as I’m modelling again. Figuring out how to ‘brand’ myself online sucks up a ridiculous amount of my time and leaves me comparing myself to others (which is why I’ve written a book about it!) - so I wanted to stop doing it. I did this by deleting my entire Instagram account, which has made me feel about a million times better.
Ironically, when I had Instagram, I obsessed over how I could change myself to fit in most appropriately, thinking I ‘needed it for work’. The second I got rid of it, work has flooded in and hasn’t stopped - it’s been one of the busiest weeks I’ve ever had with both modelling and coaching.
This is in massive contrast to when I tried to hire people to manage it - once I changed things to suit me, I learned that I didn’t need it in the first place. I might get it back, or I might not, but it doesn’t matter either way. Taking away the ‘whip’ has literally removed the entire addictive nature of it, because I’m not trying to ‘not go on it’ - I don’t want to.
So please, chuck out your New Years Resolutions. Make friends with yourself and figure out what’s making you feel good and not-so-good in your life, and adapt it accordingly. This isn’t fixing you, it’s simply arranging your life. You remain a valid and worthy human being whether you go to the gym or not - you can always go tomorrow.
If you want a personal cheerleader in the form of a coach, book a free intro call with me here.